Developing Emotional Intelligence
I’ve heard many people say, “I choose not to exercise control over my feelings.” Often, this attitude is born of a sense that negative emotions are just part of who we are — that persistently feeling angry or sad is the natural result of life’s hard knocks.
But how sensible is it to continue harboring such ideas when they wreak havoc on our bodies and our energies?
The path of personal wisdom is to harness the brain’s great powers of self-awareness — the watcher watching the watcher — to uncover the hidden patterns of emotion within us and to change how we view the world. We have the power to change our set points, as it were.
With brain refreshing techniques, you’ll begin to hone your “emotional intelligence” — a term popularized by author and psychologist Daniel Goleman. Emotional intelligence — the ability to perceive, assess, and manage your own emotions, as well as to deal with those of others — is one of the most valuable skills of the mature individual.
When we’re adolescents, adult passions appear in our minds unbidden: sexual longings, risk-taking urges, the desire to acquire expensive, beautiful things.
But because our prefrontal cortex — the area of the brain that lets us make social judgments and develop foresight about the possible outcomes of our choices — doesn’t mature until about age 25, emotion and passion can overwhelm us when we’re young. Many young people lack the emotional intelligence to understand or control their powerful emotions. Instead, they are often on autopilot, led by their hormones and desires.
As we age, unfortunately too many of us swing to the opposite extreme. Because of some trauma we’ve experienced in life, we shut our emotions down out of fear. We live in terror of admitting to our emotions.
But this isn’t living. Despite the Western emphasis on intellect, ancient wisdom tells us that people are complete only when ruled by their emotions as well as their intellect — when their passions and their judgment are given equal weight. Yet many adults, especially as they grow older, become afraid of their feelings.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to assess one’s emotions as they occur, to understand why they are occurring, and to manage their effects in real time. This deep level of self-awareness is accessible through brain refreshing. The human brain has an extraordinary ability to reflect on its own functioning, and people with strong emotional intelligence can identify pessimistic feelings as they occur and place them in proper perspective.
Imagine being able to perceive your feeling of irritation when speaking with a friend who taxes your patience, as if observing from the outside. You still experience the feeling, but you have the presence of mind to know where it’s coming from and to remind yourself, “He doesn’t really mean to be irritating; it’s best to let that feeling go.” This lets you set aside the unhelpful emotions and retain your positive outlook toward other people.
When you’re able to face painful memories and let them wash out of your mind, you see the power that you once granted them. You discover that those memories have no power of their own — only the power you gave them. You’re now in control of what triggers your emotions.
You could say that you are achieving the highest potential of your emotional brain. Your mind becomes free to pursue its higher purposes: love, compassion, creativity, health, discovery, and healing others.
This kind of emotional awareness can renew lifelong relationships by allowing you to let go of meaningless grudges — and focus on the positive, affirming traits of the people in your life.
This article is excerpted from Ilchi Lee’s “The Power Brain: Five Steps to Upgrading Your Brain Operating System.”
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